Sarafan Intraining
by Caboose2814
Summary: Raziel and his Brethren join the Sarafan Army and begin to train for their new lives under the harsh tutorship of Malek [COMPLETE!]
1. Before they were Sarafan

All Legacy of Kain characters belong to Crystal Dynamics and Eidos. Not me.  
  
This was something I came up with while trying to do my Geometry homework. I've realized that most of my best work comes about when I'm writing about the Brethren. I don't know why. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
Raziel: Well guys. We're out of work again. Our last business was less than successful. Especially when the police intervened.  
  
Turel: Stupid anti-pimping laws.  
  
Dumah: What are we gonna do now?  
  
Rahab: We could go back to conning people out of their money.  
  
Zephon: Oh please! They always saw through us! Nobody believed that I was a helpless 17-year old teenager.  
  
Mechiah: *Snicker* But you've sure got the figure for it.  
  
Zephon: Shut up.  
  
Raziel: All right. The first thing to do is find some new means of employment.  
  
Dumah: (Trying to read a Help Wanted ad.) Hey listen to this! "St... strong... brave... ware...no... warriors. Wanted....to... umm....applee...  
  
Turel: Oh for the love of God give it to me!  
  
Begins to read.  
  
Turel: "Strong and brave warriors wanted to apply for Sarafan army. Do you enjoy massacring fledglings and ancients alike? Have you always dreamed of a life full of adventure and hot women? Then apply at the Sarafan Stronghold to learn more."  
  
Rahab: That's very interesting.  
  
Raziel: Come on guys! I think we should do it!  
  
Zephon: But isn't there a high mortality rate for Sarafan.  
  
Dumah: Maybe if we be really, really careful.  
  
Mechiah: Somehow I doubt that'll help us when we're outnumbered 5-to-1 by vicious, bloodthirsty vampires.  
  
Turel: We don't have another choice. We're flat broke since the police busted our last gig.  
  
Raziel: Then it's settled! We're off!  
  
Several hours and one very long walk later, they finally reach the stronghold.  
  
Zephon: Them's some big ass doors.  
  
Rahab: How are we supposed to get in?  
  
Dumah: Maybe if we click our heels three times and say "There's no place like the Stronghold".  
  
All are staring at him. Then Raziel hits him upside his head.  
  
Dumah: Ow! What was that for?  
  
Raziel: You know the rules. Every time you say something stupid I get to hurt you in some way.  
  
Mechiah: Look the doors are opening!  
  
Once inside the Stronghold they are greeted by Moebius who leads them to his office where they sit down.  
  
Moebius: Welcome! Welcome! You must be Raziel and his brethren.  
  
Raziel: Uh-huh. But how do you know my name?  
  
I know more about you then you could ever fathom.  
  
Dumah: Ewwwwww! So you know about his-  
  
Raziel punches Dumah in the face.  
  
Dumah: Ow! Owowowowow!  
  
Rahab: What?  
  
Dumah: Myb nobe! You puffer! You boke myb nobe!  
  
Moebius: Moving on. What was you're previous employment?  
  
Dumah: We were pim-  
  
Zephon tackles him before he can say anymore can begins to beat him down before he can say anymore. Dumah overcomes him and sits back in his chair. Zephon follows.  
  
Turel: What he means to say is that we were in the entertainment business.  
  
Mechiah: Oh yeah. We sure entertained people.  
  
Moebius: All right. Why do you want to join the Sarafan Army?  
  
Rahab: Because we want to kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!  
  
Brethren are staring at him awkwardly.  
  
Rahab: Come on. Don't tell me you guys aren't up for some random bloodshed?  
  
Moebius: Riiight. What are you're qualifications?  
  
Turel: We've watched lots of vampire movies and rotted our brains with video games for the greater part of our lives.  
  
Moebius: Good enough for me. Welcome aboard!  
  
Zephon: Right on! Hey, the ad promised hot women. When do we get to meet them.  
  
Moebius: Well... there are lots of fire-chucking bald chicks in the Sarafan.  
  
Zephon: All right! Bring on the honeys!  
  
Moebius: The first thing we have to do is let you pick out your armor. Follow me.  
  
They follow him into the armory where every square inch of the room is covered in weaponry.  
  
Raziel: Sweet. Okay, since I'm the leader I get to chose first.  
  
Dumah: Hey! Who said you was the leader?  
  
Raziel: Uh... I've always been the leader.  
  
Dumah: Since when?  
  
Raziel: In our last business, who was the Grand Pimp-daddy?  
  
Dumah: You were.  
  
Raziel: Right. And when we were –  
  
Dumah: Okay! Okay! I get it! Fine. Pick your stupid armor.  
  
Raziel: Hmm. (He scans the suits of armor.) I'll take this red one with the blade on arm.  
  
Moebius: An excellent choice. And your weapon?  
  
Raziel: Just give me a standard sword.  
  
Moebius: Very good. And what about the rest of you?  
  
Turel: I'll take the green one with the huge horns on the helmet. And I'll take the pike as my weapon.  
  
Dumah: I want the pretty purple one with the wings on the side of the helmet. I'll take the pike too.  
  
Rahab: Give me the blue armor with the horns that come to a point at the top. I want a sword as my weapon.  
  
Zephon: Not leaving us with much choice are you? I guess I'll take the black armor with a sword.  
  
Mechiah: Orange with little horns on it. Oh and I'll take a pike.  
  
Moebius: Excellent. Here are the keys to your rooms. Unfortunately you'll each have to share with one of your brethren. Malek will be here first thing in the morning to begin you training.  
  
Raziel: Training?  
  
Moebius: Of course. You don't think we'd let untrained civilians fight hordes of lethal vampires, do you?  
  
Raziel: No I guess not.  
  
Moebius: Glad that's resolved. You have the rest of the day to settle into your new homes.  
  
Moebius leaves. Raziel begins discussing some things with his brethren.  
  
Raziel: Hey, if we're not careful this Malek guy is going to see right through us. We each need to develop a background story and something we excel at that they might find useful in this army.  
  
They spend the rest of the day doing that. Once they have everything figured out they go to their rooms.  
  
Raziel: Okay. We were given three rooms and each room houses two people. Turel and I will take the first room. Dumah and Rahab will take the second room.  
  
Dumah: Weeee!  
  
Rahab: Oh God. I sure hope stupidity isn't contagious.  
  
Raziel: Zephon and Melchiah will sleep in the last room.  
  
Zephon: Nooooo! Why God why?! Mechiah: Come on. It won't be that bad.  
  
Zephon: Have you smelled your feet in the afternoon?  
  
Raziel: Now that that's taken care of I suggest we use the rest of the night to sleep. I have a feeling going to have a big day tomorrow.  
  
The next morning around 6:00...  
  
Malek: Come on ladies! Up and at 'em!  
  
Raziel: (Sleepily.) Hunh. It's 6:00 in the morning.  
  
Malek: I know. I let you sleep in for first day on the job. Don't expect such privileges in the future.  
  
Raziel: *Groan*  
  
Malek: Get your friends up and tell them to meet me at the obstacle course in uniform in 15 minutes.  
  
16 minutes later.  
  
Malek: You're late.  
  
Turel: It's not our fault! This armor is so hard to put on.  
  
Malek: I don't care. You should all be able to suit up in five minutes or less. There may be times when lives hang on how quickly we get to the site of the vampire spotting.  
  
Dumah: I want some breakfast!  
  
Malek walks up to him until his face is one inch away from Dumah's.  
  
Malek: What did you say?  
  
Dumah: Uh... Nothing?  
  
Malek: That's what I thought you said.  
  
Returns to address all of them.  
  
Malek: Before we get started let's get to know each other better. (Points to Raziel.) You. You can introduce everyone to me.  
  
Raziel: Okay. My name's Raziel and I'm the leader of this jolly band of rouges. This is Turel, my second in command. We are brother-warriors. Two edges of the same blade. The big guy here is Dumah. He's really strong but not too bright.  
  
Malek: Yeah, I've already determined that.  
  
Raziel: Rahab excels at water-based missions. An excellent naval commander and one of the best swimmers I've ever seen.  
  
Malek: I see. We may have a place for you on one of our warships.  
  
Raziel: Zephon is our tactician. He has a brilliant analytical mind and can come up with a plan for almost any situation. Mechiah is our guerilla fighter. He's best at hit-and-run tactics.  
  
Malek: Hnh. A well-rounded group of warriors. With the right training you could rise to become elite Sarafan like myself.  
  
Melchiah: I'm sure that's every little boys dream.  
  
Malek: The first thing you need to learn is how to fight vampires. Physical wounds are fleeting. Vampire's immortal flesh begins to close as soon as it is cleaved. Vampire's need only fear those wounds that impale of inflame. Water scorches like acid. And fledglings are devastated by sunlight's touch. That's why our weapons are all of the impalement variety. You won't find any maces of nunchucks here.  
  
Dumah: What about sword-chucks?  
  
Malek: What...?  
  
Rahab: You'll have to forgive him. It's a stupid idea he's had since he was a kid.  
  
Malek: Two vampires you'll need to be especially wary of are Vorador and Janos Audron. Both of them each vicious in their own right.  
  
Zephon: Now what?  
  
Malek: Well. I don't have anything more to tell you and we still have a half hour until breakfast so... I think I'll make you run this obstacle course until then. In full armor.  
  
Melchiah: Crap.  
  
Malek: Well what are you waiting for? MOVE!!  
  
They begin to run. And thus ends the first chapter of our story. If you want me to continue this story please review and tell me so. I think this fic could have some great potential and would like to continue it. 


	2. Enter: Mortainus, Exit: The Readers!

All LoK characters belong to Crystal Dynamics and Eidos. But can you imagine what would happen if I did own them. Bwah ha ha.  
  
In case some of you were wondering, yes, when Malek discusses vampire weaknesses he's quoting Raziel from Soul Reaver. Razzy just said it so nicely that I couldn't resist putting it in. Here's the 2nd chapter to "Sarafan In-training". Enjoy.   
  
Raziel and his brethren have been soldiers of the Sarafan Army for a week now and have been through the equivalent of "boot camp" for Sarafan warriors. Right now Turel is on sentry duty night shift...  
  
Turel: ZZZZZZ...  
  
Suddenly, someone knocks on the large wooden gateway of the Stronghold.  
  
Turel: (Wakes up.) Hunh? Who goes there?  
  
He opens the door just enough to see who it is. The man behind it appears to be in his late teens and is very battle-worn and bloody. He looks as if to be armed with a large assortment of weapons and has a sword & shield strapped to his back. He is wearing a green tunic.  
  
Stranger: Please, Help me!  
  
Turel: Whoa! What happened to you?  
  
Stranger: I-I was fighting some Octorocks and was winning but then it got dark and some Redeads joined the fight. They depleted my health and magic power. I'm also all out of weapons. Please, grant me asylum.  
  
Turel: Sure, I'd love to help you. But... uh... I'll need some monetary compensation.  
  
Stranger: You mean a bribe? Of course! Here! Take all of it!  
  
He pours a handful of gems into Turel's hands. He examines them suspiciously.  
  
Turel: Rupees? You've got to be kidding me. This may cut it in Hyrule, but here in Nosgoth it ain't worth squat. Goodbye.  
  
He begins to close the door.  
  
Stranger: No! Please! Let me in!  
  
Turel: Sorry pal. No money, no sanctuary.  
  
Now we can only hear his voice through the door.  
  
Stranger: But... Oh god. They're coming back! No!! Stay away from me! Hurk! It hurts! Aaaaarrrrrrrgggh!  
  
He continues to scream for five minutes. Afterwards, we can only hear the muffled sound of eating noises.  
  
Turel: Well it's about time. I thought he would never shut up.  
  
Just then, Malek walks by.  
  
Malek: Who was that at the door?  
  
Turel: Just some homeless guy. I shooed him away though.  
  
Malek: Good man. You know our policy about taking in beggars.  
  
Turel: Yessir.  
  
Malek: By the way, after breakfast tomorrow, I want you to gather your friends and meet me in the war room. There's someone I want you to meet.  
  
Turel: I'll get right on it.  
  
Malek leaves.  
  
Turel: Hm. I'd better get someone to clean out that mess outside  
  
The next day, after breakfast.  
  
Raziel: Why did we all have to meet in here? So soon after breakfast even.  
  
Dumah: I didn't get to finish my Cap'n Crunch!  
  
Rahab: Like you need more sugar in your system.  
  
Turel: I'm sure that Malek wouldn't have gathered us here unless he had a good reason.  
  
Mechiah: Are we talking about the same guy who made stand outside for twelve hours in a rainstorm because it would "build our endurance"?  
  
Malek walks into the room followed by a guy who looks like a walking corpse.  
  
Malek: Hey guys. Let me introduce you to Mor-  
  
Dumah: (Sees Mortainus) Oh my God! The dead have risen from their graves and want to devour our brains!  
  
Zephon: In that case you should be saf-  
  
Dumah begins to run around the room like a maniac.  
  
Dumah: THEY HAVE COME TO RAIN FIERY APOCALIPTIC DEATH UPON US!!  
  
Malek: How long is this going to last?  
  
Raziel: Don't worry. He usually passes out after the first couple of minutes.  
  
Dumah: WHY HAVE YE GODS FORSAKEN US?!?! WHYYYYYYY?!?!?  
  
Malek: Anyways, this is Mortainus. A member of the Circle of Nine and my superior.  
  
Turel: Glad to meet you.  
  
Malek: He'll be giving us all of our mission objectives and will evaluate our progress.  
  
Dumah: Zombies... all... over. Must... escape.  
  
He collapses on the floor.  
  
Raziel: Told ya.  
  
Mortainus: Oh for the luv a...  
  
he removes his "Death's head mask" revealing the Mortainus from Defiance.  
  
Rahab: Hey... You're not really dead!  
  
Mortainus: Nope. I just use that appearance to intimidate people.  
  
Mechiah: You sure "intimidated" him. (Points to Dumah.)  
  
Mortainus: Yes well, sometimes I have that effect on people.  
  
Malek: Ahem  
  
Mortainus: Oh right. The reason I've gathered you here is because I wasn't you to help Malek lead three Sarafan regiments in an assault against Janos Audron. Malek will give you the specifics.  
  
Malek: We'll get right on it.  
  
Mortainus: Oh and Malek... I just want to comment on what a fine job you've done protecting the Circle. Why, if anything were to happen to us, I'd hold you responsible. And if any of us died... Well let's just say some things are best left to the imagination  
  
Malek: Ha ha ha! You're such a kidder!  
  
Mortainus leaves.  
  
Malek: Let's get down to business.  
  
Zephon: Aren't you worried about what he said?  
  
Malek: Nah. Mortainus has always been threatening me with eternal punishment if any of the Circle die. I ignore stuff like that all the time. Why stop now?  
  
Raziel: Right. So what do we need to know about this "Janos Audron" character?  
  
Malek: Well, so far no ones been able to face off with him and actually defeat him. That's because he stays high up in his retreat in the northern mountains. He never leaves so every once in a while we take a group of Sarafan up there to see if we can catch him off guard.  
  
Turel: So no real work right.  
  
Malek: Right.  
  
Dumah wakes up.  
  
Dumah: Hunh? What'd I miss.  
  
Raziel: Not much. We were just getting ready to go.  
  
Malek: Are there any questions before we leave?  
  
Raziel: How large is a "regiment"?  
  
Turel: Aren't we just glorified Nazis?  
  
Dumah: Can I finish my cereal?  
  
Rahab: When are we going to get assigned to an aquatic missions?  
  
Zephon: Where are all the chicks? I've been here for a week and haven't seen any.  
  
Mechiah: Will we be back in time for Free Hour?  
  
Malek: (Pause.) Do you want those answered in any specific order?  
  
Raziel: Yes, please.  
  
Malek: About 30 soldiers.  
No, we're wiping out a plague of bloodthirsty monsters.  
No, breakfast is over.  
Probably not for a while seeing as how vampires are weak against water.  
Hiding from you.  
Only if we march quickly. Does that clear things up?  
  
Raziel: I forgot what we asked.  
  
Malek: Let's move out.  
  
A half hour later we can see the Sarafan regiments traveling through the mountains.  
  
Sarafan regiments: Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It's off to work we go! To slaughter some vampires and rip out their hearts! Hi-ho! Hi-ho!  
  
Unfortunately, we can also hear them as well.  
  
Rahab: Damn! Why do they always have to sing that annoying tune over and over and over....  
  
Malek: It keeps up morale. You don't want a bunch of wussy self-doubting Sarafan in the heat of battle.  
  
Rahab: But... but... couldn't we rap instead?  
  
Malek: Shh. We're there.  
  
Dumah: (Loudly.) Really? Let me see!!  
  
Malek glares at him.  
  
Dumah: (Quietly.) Oops. Sorry. I'll be quiet.  
  
Malek: Melchiah. Use the binoculars to see if anything's happening in the balcony.  
  
He puts the binoculars to his face.  
  
Mechiah: So far I don't see anyth- Wait! He's coming to the balcony... He's.... Is he mooning us?  
  
Malek takes the binoculars and peers through them.  
  
Malek: I believe he is. Raziel. Tell the archers to open fire on that ass.  
  
Raziel: Right away.  
  
Up in the balcony...  
  
Janos: Ha ha! Suck on this Sarafan wussies! How does my ass look from down there you pieces of-  
  
At that moment an arrow implants itself into Janos's backside.  
  
Janos: Arrgh!  
  
Then Vorador teleports in  
  
Vorador: Hey Dad, I just wanted to know if- Holy mother of God! What happened?  
  
Janos: They shot my butt! Now my butt hurts!  
  
Vorador: Ugh. I should've stayed home today.  
  
Back to the Sarafan...  
  
Malek: Bull's-eye! Got one right square in the anus!  
  
Zephon: That was a horrible sight, which I hope I am never subjected to again.  
  
Turel: You're telling me. I think I might have to wash my eyes out with rubbing alcohol. Y'know, to sooth the burning of my mind.  
  
Dumah: MAKE THE MENTAL IMAGES STOP!!  
  
Raziel: From this moment onward I am swearing vengeance against Janos Audron and if I ever get the chance I will rip his black heart from his body.  
  
Rahab: Isn't that a little severe?  
  
Mechiah: No.  
  
Rahab: Well if you guys ever find a way to do it count me out. I'd just as soon never come back here again.  
  
Malek: Come on guys! Let's celebrate! It's getting a little late so I'll treat you to drinks in Coorhagen.  
  
Raziel: Coorhagen? That's a fancy place. Let's go! I must admit. The part where Dumah runs around screaming about zombies was taken from Mortainus-bit Theater (Copyright of Brian Clevinger.) I'm sorry Brain! Forgive me!! (Begins to weep quietly.) Review and inspire to make more! 


	3. The Dreaming

Sorry it took me so long to update. I've been studying for Finals. In case any of you were wondering, the reason I had Rahab be against another attack on Janos Audron's retreat is because in SR2 Rahab wasn't with his brethren when they made their assault on it to rib out Janos's heart. There's lots of stuff in this chapter that doesn't belong to me. I don't have the space to disclaim all of it, but suffice to say that nothing in this fic is original. Except the jokes, most of them, some of them...Crap.  
  
Malek, Raziel, and his brethren are at the Coorhagen tavern enjoying a round that Malek had graciously bought for them.  
  
Malek: Once again, I would like to congratulate you guys on a job well done! We nailed his ass!  
  
Raziel: Aren't you worried he'll seek revenge?  
  
Malek: Not really. He never leaves his retreat.  
  
Zephon: (Takes a long swig of beer.) Ah! That is some good sh!! Thanks for buying a round Malek.  
  
Malek: No problem. This is what I live for. "The pleasures of the flesh". Drinkin' beer with me buddies, eating cake, and torturing rookies.  
  
Rahab: Speaking of which, you've been awfully nice lately. What's the deal?  
  
Malek: That's only when I'm being paid to be cruel. Off the clock I'm a pretty decent person.  
  
Dumah: (Has indulged in a few more beers than he can hold.) I will never surrender to you, Andross! Now die like the scum you are!! Tssw! Tssw! Tssw!  
  
Turel: So... what are we doing tomorrow?  
  
Malek: Well I thought I'd show you some instructional videos on how to kill vampires.  
  
Melchiah: What?!? But we already know how to do that!  
  
Malek: Noo... you've only been in one assault on a vampire who wouldn't even attack us. You haven't been in a real battle yet.  
  
Raziel: So what do you have planned?  
  
Dumah: Eat Power Bomb suckers!  
  
Malek: (Ignoring him.) First we'll watch Dracula, then Dracula 2000, then Van Helsing.  
  
Zephon: Couldn't we just take the day off?  
  
Malek: No. Now come on. we'd better leave now if we want to make it back to the Stronghold before curfew.  
  
Raziel & brethren: Awwwww!  
  
They got back to Stronghold without incident. (But Malek did ask Turel about the green-clad corpse in front of the gate.) Now they are all in bed dreaming happy thoughts. Let's watch!  
  
Raziel's dream.  
  
Raziel: What the...? Where am I?  
  
???: Raaargh!  
  
Raziel: Show yourself creature!  
  
???: Do you not recognize me, Raziel? Am I so changed?  
  
Raziel: Melchiah?!  
  
Melchiah: Yess brother. You should've stayed where the master sent you, Raziel. You will find Nosgoth less... pleasant than you remember.  
  
Raziel: What the hell are you talking about? What's happened here?  
  
Melchiah: Everyone is afraid sibling. You awake to a world of fear. You have missed so many changes Raziel.  
  
Raziel: I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to kill you .  
  
Melchiah: Aha ha ha! Really? And how do intend to that in that weak human form?  
  
Raziel: Like so!  
  
He throws his sword at him. It pierces his throat and he dies. At that point, a small figure with a mushroom for a head walks up to him.  
  
Toad: Thank you Raziel! But your brother's soul is in another castle!  
  
Raziel: Not you again! That's it! I've had enough! DIE MUSHROOM FREEEAK!  
  
He goes berserk and begins attacking anything in a 20ft. radius. Meanwhile, in the bunk beside him, Turel is dreaming...  
  
Turel awoke in a shadowy realm.  
  
Turel: What is this place?  
  
Suddenly, a figure in a yellow and black ninja suit appears. He has a metal faceplate covering his mouth.  
  
Turel: Who the hell are you?  
  
The figure goes into his battle stance.  
  
Background voice: MORTAL KOMBAT!!!  
  
Mortal Kombat music (which, in my opinion, is the best video game fightin' music that have ever existed in the world of the universe) begins playing.  
  
The mysterious person charges at Turel and punches him in the gut. He then delivers several swift kicks to the head. Turel falls down.  
  
Turel: Ow! That freakin' hurt! What the hell is your problem?!  
  
The figure disappears in a purple flash. He then reappears behind Turel and fires a long chord from his hand, which impales Turel's right pectoral.  
  
???: Get over here!  
  
He pulls Turel towards him, pulls off a few more combos, and prepares for the cou dé grace.  
  
Background voice: FINISH HIM!!  
  
He pulls back his ninja hood to reveal a Death's Head. It spews flame from its mouth, incinerating him.  
  
The waking world.  
  
Turel jolts up from his bunk covered in a cold sweat.  
  
Turel: Arrrrgh! Hunh? Oh, whew. It was just a dream...  
  
He falls back asleep.  
  
Dumah's dream.  
  
Dumah is in a field of daffodils. Before he begins to wonder where he is, he sees these small furry creatures moving in slow motion towards him.  
  
Dumah: Moogles! Yay! They must want to be hugged!  
  
He begins running towards them in slow motion. They meet in the middle and begin hugging each other.  
  
Dumah: Awwww! You're just and soft and cute as I imagined!  
  
Suddenly, the Moogles turn vicious. They begin biting, and scratching, and tearing his extremities.  
  
Moogle: Kupo! Die kupo! Die!!  
  
Dumah: Aaaaa! No! Bad Moogles! Oh God, it hurts!  
  
The waking world. Dumah is lying in his bunk screaming in his sleep.  
  
Dumah: Aaaaa! Aaaaa! Aaaaa!  
  
This continues throughout the night.  
  
Rahab's dream.  
  
Rahab is walking through the ocean. He wonders how this is possible. After a while he just doesn't care. Then, a person swims up to him.  
  
Aquaman: Greetings! I need your help to avert a force that threatens all the worlds' oceans! Will you be my battle-buddy?  
  
Rahab: What the...? No way! I played your video game! It sucked ass! Why would I help you now?  
  
Aquaman: But what about all my fishy friends?  
  
Rahab: F you!!  
  
He then kicks him in the groin and walks away.  
  
Zephon's dream.  
  
Zephon is dreaming he the leader of the Sarafan army. He is addressing his troops.  
  
Zephon: Gentlemen, today's operation will be a unique one. We will go deep into vampire territory with a full entourage of cavalry, establish a tight perimeter, have the infantry remove my pants and underpants, and then I will attempt to make love with a vampire girl under heavy enemy fire. Are there any objections?  
  
Zephon's military advisor: Yes, general. Several.  
  
I can't go any further detail of Zephon's dream because of this fic's PG rating. But suffice to say that Zephon pelvic thrusted long into the night.  
  
Melchiah's dream.  
  
Melchiah is dreaming that he is lord and emperor of all of Nosgoth. He is standing on a balcony high above a crowd overlooking his empire.  
  
Melchiah's servants: Long live Lord Melchiah!  
  
Melchiah: Yes... Worship me for I am your god!!  
  
Pikachu: Pika pika pi! Pikachu! Pi pi pi! (No way Melchiah! You've lived long enough. Actually it's been too long for my taste.)  
  
Hamtaro: Melchiah! Listen up! We quit! All of us!  
  
Pikachu: Pikachu? Chu pika! Pikakachu. (Got it? We don't work for you anymore! You can find someone else to do your dirty work.)  
  
Hamtaro: Oh yeah. There's one more thing.  
  
Pikachu: Pika pika pi! Pika...chuuuuu! (This is for all the people we killed in your name! Here! Have it!)  
  
Pikachu fires a large electric blast at Melchiah. He is unable to dodge and takes the full brunt of the blast.  
  
Melchiah: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!  
  
Hamtaro comes and kicks Melchiah off the balcony. Pikachu joins his side.  
  
Pikachu: Pika pika pika pi! (And now... with our army of Pikmin, we will rule Middle Earth!  
  
Hamtaro: Nosgoth.  
  
Pikachu: Ka chu! Pikachu? (That's what I meant! What did I say?)  
  
Hamtaro: Middle Earth.  
  
Pikachu: Pi! Chu pika pika chu... (Crap! Well at any rate, the Pikmin will feast well tonight...)  
  
Meanwhile, Melchiah is being feasted on by the Pikmin....  
  
Malek's dream.  
  
Malek is standing in a shadowy room. He hears footsteps approaching.  
  
Malek: Who goes there?  
  
A suit of armor reveals itself.  
  
Armor: You mean you don't recognize yourself? Come now Malek, where are those renowned deduction skills you're famous for?  
  
Malek: I don't know what you mean.  
  
Armor: Of course you don't! it's so hard to believe I was that naïve back then...  
  
Malek: to what are you insinuating...  
  
Armor: Don't you get it?! I'm you! From 530 years in the future! I...am your future self.  
  
Malek: No! that's impossible!  
  
Armor: You know it in your heart to be true.  
  
Malek: Nooooooooooooooo!  
  
Back at the Coorhagen tavern...  
  
Tavern master: Oy. Did ye sell any of that dream inducing beer we bought?  
  
Serving wench: Nay, but I was able to get rid of it by mixing in the drinks o' these other guys ina shiny armor.  
  
Tavern master: Good girl, good girl. That stuff just wasn'ta sellin'. Had to get rid f it somehow... This chapter was really just an excuse to bash on a whole lot of different stuff. I hope I didn't offend anyone but if I did... too bad! Suck it up you wussy! Anyways, I thought that this would be a nice little tangent from what I was originally writing about. In the next chapter, Vorador seeks revenge!  
  
Kain: You fool! You've already used the Moogle joke!  
  
Caboose2814: Yeah, I know. But the fic it was in was removed! And I really liked that joke!  
  
Kain: It's like you're plagiarizing yourself!  
  
Caboose2814: So what? I'll make a joke as many times as I damn well please. It's a free country dammit!  
  
Kain: I should kill you where you stand.  
  
Caboose2814: Perhaps you should. But you don't.  
  
Kain: Are you so certain of that?  
  
Caboose2814: Yes! Because here's a convenient plot hole to suck you away!  
  
Kain: What? Nooooooo... 


	4. When vampires attack!

Woohoo! Summer vacation's here! Booyaka! That means I'll have more time to write and update my fics. I've decided to start doing a review response, which will appear right before the chapter starts. I'll begin with the reviews from the last chapter and keep going from there. No Legacy of Kain or anything else in this fic belongs to me.  
  
schreient spiegel: What the...? What do you expect me do with a bag of fish? Ballerina outfits? I don't understand!! (Begins to weep quietly.)  
  
Dark-Sepiroth: Yeah, it was a little crazy. You can be assured that I'll keep the weirdness comin'!  
  
Varewulf: Yes, yes. I suppose I could find it in my heart to forgive you. Pikmin ruling the Earth? It must be another diabolical plot by George W. Bush!!   
  
After the ghastly affairs of last night, the brethren aren't real anxious to go back to work. Nevertheless, they all appear in the briefing room on time.  
  
Raziel: Uhh... God dammit. What the hell were we smokin' last night?  
  
Turel: I don't think we smoked anything. It was probably the beer that didn't agree with us.  
  
Malek walks into the room.  
  
Malek: Well I hope you all had a good nights sleep. We've got a big day ahead of us.  
  
Melchiah: So long as it doesn't include Pikmin-  
  
Dumah: Or Moogles.  
  
Melchiah: -It's fine by me.  
  
Malek: Today's your lucky day! It's only a horde of vampires lead by Vorador seeking revenge for his sire Janos Audron.  
  
Rahab: Oh my God! How is this better?!?  
  
Zephon: Silence fool! This could be our chance to hit on some hot vampire chicks.  
  
Raziel: (To Zephon.) Glad to see you're staying in character. (To Malek.) What do you expect us to do?  
  
Malek: To defend the Fortress with you're very lives! To risk life and limb in honor of our holy crusade!  
  
Turel: No thank you.  
  
Malek: That wasn't a question.  
  
He gets out a whip. He cracks it over Dumah's head.  
  
Dumah: Ahh!  
  
Malek: Are there any objections?  
  
Rahab: Nope.  
  
At that moment, the wall in front of the Sarafan explodes. Malek is thrown backwards. Vorador strides through the hole with several of his brides.  
  
Vorador: All your base are belong to us.  
  
Raziel: The hell...?  
  
Malek: Sarafan! To your posts!  
  
Zephon: Right... Just to make sure, my post is in the women's locker room, right?  
  
Malek: Nice try. Yours is in the kitchen with Melchiah.  
  
Dumah: We're all gonna dieeeee!  
  
Turel: (Slaps him.) Get a hold of yourself man! We've got a battle to fight!  
  
Raziel: Wow Turel. I never knew you we're so serious about this.  
  
Turel: Hey, the sooner we kick their asses the sooner we can loot their freakish corpses.  
  
Raziel: Sigh.  
  
Vorador: Um... Hello! Remember me?  
  
Rahab: We'll be right with you. Until then, enjoy this complimentary Sarafan squeaky toy.  
  
Throws a squeaky toy at Vorador.  
  
Vorador: Oooooh! (He squeezes the toy.)  
  
Toy: Squeaky! Squeaky!  
  
Malek: Good thinking Rahab! That should buy us some time while we get everything prepped for battle.  
  
15 minutes later...  
  
Vampire bride: Lord Vorador? When do we get to kill people?  
  
Vorador: Just as soon as I'm done here.  
  
Toy: Squeaky! Squeaky!  
  
Vorador: Ha ha ha! Man, that never gets old!  
  
Elsewhere in the fortress...  
  
Malek: Alright. We're outnumbered, but we're fighting for a good cause, which is that I want to be king of Nosgoth, so let's kick some vampire ass and we'll all be mighty pleased with ourselves on the off-chance that we actually survive.  
  
Raziel: That's not very reassuring.  
  
Malek: Yeah, well it's the best I got. I'd like to see you do better.  
  
Raziel: No, that's quite alright.  
  
Malek: Good. Now, you and Turel are guarding the entrance to the armory. We can't let any of those damn vampires get their hands on our weapons. Dumah and Rahab are guarding the war room. Zephon and Melchiah are guarding the kitchen. I'll be protecting the Circle. Any questions?  
  
Turel: So what do we do if we actually meet a vampire?  
  
Malek: Are you high?! You kill it!!  
  
Turel: Just making sure.  
  
Malek: Groan Just... try not to get killed.  
  
Raziel: Will do!  
  
Back in the briefing room...  
  
Vorador: This toy no longer amuses me. Let's go kill people!  
  
Vampire horde: YAAAAAYY!!  
  
Vorador: A third of you attack the armory, another third attack the war room, and the rest of you go for the kitchen. I'm going to assault the Circle!!  
  
Vampire horde: Yes, commissar!  
  
Meanwhile, in the kitchen.  
  
Melchiah: I don't under stand what we're doing here.  
  
Zephon: Weren't you listening to Malek?  
  
Melchiah: Just indulge me.  
  
Zephon: We're here to protect all of the Sarafan's foods from falling into the wrong hands.  
  
Melchiah: You're referring to the gruel?  
  
Zephon: Yes. The gruel.  
  
Suddenly, a group of vampires burst through the doors.  
  
Vampires: Revenge! Revenge!  
  
Melchiah: I guess its show time.  
  
He begins to charge towards the vampires when Zephon grabs him by the shoulder.  
  
Zephon: Wait. I have an idea!  
  
Melchiah: It's a miracle!  
  
Zephon: (Glares at him.) You see the sugar tanks over there?  
  
Melchiah: How could I not? They're huge!  
  
Zephon: Well I bet that if we rupture the tanks at the right time, we can bury the vampires under a mountain of sugar!  
  
Melchiah: Sounds like a plan. On three!  
  
Vampires: Hisssss.  
  
Melchiah: Three!  
  
Melchiah plunges his pike into the sugar tank. Zephon does the same with his sword. They tear a hole in it and sugar immediately starts streaming out. The vampires easily dodge it.  
  
Zephon: Oh sh.  
  
Vampires: Revenge! Reven-  
  
Then they see what it was that they dodged.  
  
Vampires: Sugar! Sugar!  
  
They get on their hands and knees and begin shoveling sugar into their mouths.  
  
Melchiah: Uh... I guess that works too.  
  
Zephon: Shall we?  
  
Melchiah: After you.  
  
They slaughter all of the vampires. They don't even break a sweat  
  
The war room...  
  
Dumah: Are they here yet?  
  
Rahab: No.  
  
Dumah: Are they here yet?  
  
Rahab: No.  
  
Dumah: Are they here yet?  
  
Rahab: No.  
  
Dumah: Are they here yet?  
  
Rahab: Raaargh!!  
  
Rahab tries to attack Dumah but he easily keeps him back with one hand.  
  
Dumah: Silly Rahab! Homicidal rages are for vampires.  
  
Rahab: I'll kill you!!  
  
That's when the vampires break down the door and storm into the room.  
  
Rahab: Aw crap.  
  
Dumah and Rahab take up the defensive. Try as they might, the vampire forces eventually overwhelm them.  
  
Dumah: Ahhhhhh1 it's just like my dream all over again!  
  
Rahab: Never fear! I still have my secret weapon!  
  
Rahab reaches behind his back and pulls out a Super Soaker XL 5000.  
  
Rahab: Hasta la vista, baby!  
  
He pumps the vampires full of cold H20. Eventually, they're all dissolved into nothingness.  
  
Dumah: Dude! That was sweet!!  
  
Rahab: Wasn't it though?  
  
Back in the armory...  
  
Turel: God I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored ,bored.  
  
Raziel: And I'm sure that talking about it all the time makes it less boring.  
  
Turel: Well what would you suggest I do?  
  
Raziel: Gee, I don't know. We're only in a room full of lots of weaponry and explosives...  
  
Turel: Ah-ha. I get your point.  
  
Then the vampires break in.  
  
Raziel: Oh my God!! Defend the weapons of mass destruction!  
  
A long bloody battle ensues. But Raziel and Turel win in the end.  
  
Turel: Wow that was fast!  
  
Raziel: Yep. Only a one-sentence battle.  
  
Elewhere...  
  
Malek: Quickly, Circle members! Get into your vault!  
  
Mortanius: Ow, hey, stop pushing.  
  
Moebius: Women and Time-Streamers first!  
  
Malek closes the door behind them. Vorador teleports into the room.  
  
Malek: Vorador.  
  
Vorador: Malek.  
  
Malek: So... How are the brides?  
  
Vorador: Good, good. How's training rookie Sarafan?  
  
Malek: Same old.  
  
Vorador: Shall we get right to it, then?  
  
Malek: Let's.  
  
Malek's Sarafan blade collides with Vorador's hybrid sword. After several swipes, Vorador lunges at Malek. Malek parries and pins Vorador to the wall. He raises his sword to deliver the finishing blow but Vorador escapes before he can pull it off.  
  
Malek: Son of a crap!!  
  
Raziel and his brethren rush into the room, only to see that the battle is finished.  
  
Raziel: Malek! All of the other vampires have been disposed of.  
  
Malek: Excellent. Now help me organize their corpses so we can throw them out with the trash.  
  
Raziel: Yes sire.   
  
That was fun! I hope everyone who reads this reviews. I expect no less than five reviews! If I'm lucky, I should be able to get one chapter out every week. Unless I have some kind of camp to go to. Also, I just found out that I've been misspelling "Mortanius" with "Mortainus". Sorry about that. 


	5. Trials and Tribulations

The 5th chapter! Yay! Thank you for the reviews. (I can't believe I actually got five like I wanted.) Not much to say right now so I'll get to the review response.  
  
Varewulf: Yay! Review time!  
  
Mwahahaha! The Pikmin are mine! I shall lay waste to continents!(There's just something about those cute little bloodthirsty and battlecrazed Pikmin that fascinate me)  
  
This fic is really fun. I seem to be constantly grinning while I read it. Since you finally have vacation (lucky dog) I hope for extremly frequent updates. Or at least moderately frequent.  
  
But why would vampires love sugar? I don't get it. Ah well, all in good fun, I suppose. A shame Zephon didn't get to hit on any 'hot vampire chicks'. ;)  
  
Keep up the good work!  
  
Response: The part about the sugar is a joke I took from an old TV series I used to watch. In it, the villain is screaming about revenge but then he sees a bowl of sugar in a display window and starts to scream about sugar instead. The villain was a human-sized fly.  
  
I hoping I can update frequenly. I actually managed to get a job so I'll see how much time I have to do this.  
  
And about Pikmin... (Starts to back away slowly.)  
  
Trelela: Moebius: Women and Time-Streamers first!  
  
haha! I love it :D Great chapter   
  
Damn... my vacation starts in 25th june --.. dammit..  
  
Response: Oh how I pity you. But I suppose your school starts later than mine. I have to go back at the end of August.  
  
Glad you liked you liked that joke. I hadn't even planned that one. It just came to me.  
  
Tom T. Thomson: Spelling!? You are worried about spelling?! And five reviews? Easy. Good story.  
  
Response: Yeah... I tend to obsess over little things like that. In my mind, every mistake distracts from the flow of the story.  
  
Dark-Sepiroth: Yo, great chapter, the battle scence was cool! Funny in places and good description but the Super Soaker and the H20 thingy was a great idea!  
  
keep up the good work man!  
  
Response: Thank you! I hope the rest of my chapters are as fulfilling.  
  
Tomlette: Holy crap for crap that was funny! Slap-stick comedy...Gotta love it. :-) I await the next installment!  
  
Response: Such praise is flattering to one as humble as myself.  
  
Kain: Humble... Snicker  
  
Caboose2814: SILENCE FOOL!! Seriously, I'm glad you thought it was so awesome and hope you keep reviewing. And now... the reason you're all here! The Fic!!  
  
Things had been pretty quiet at the Stronghold for the past few weeks. Vorador and his minions had retreated into the Termogent Forest. Raziel and his brethren were performing menial chores for Malek.  
  
Raziel: God dammit. We save the entire fortress and what do get? A hardy pat-on-the-back and a "Get back to work you lazy schlumps!" It just makes me so angry...  
  
Dumah: What does schlumps mean?  
  
Raziel: (Puts his head in his hands.) It's too early in the morning for this.  
  
Turel: It could be worse.  
  
Raziel: How on Earth could it be worse?!  
  
Turel: Dumah could have diarrhea.  
  
Raziel: MAKE THE MENTAL IMAGES STOP!!  
  
Elsewhere,  
  
Melchiah: If you ask me, I think we got the short end of the stick.  
  
Rahab: How so?  
  
Melchiah: Well... Raziel and them only have to scrub down the east wing. While we have to do the west wing under Malek's supervision.  
  
Malek: Less talking! More scrubing!!  
  
Rahab: I see what you mean.  
  
Zephon: Are we done yet?  
  
Melchiah: No, and if you keep asking about we never will be!  
  
Malek: Shut up! You there!  
  
Rahab: Who me?  
  
Malek: Fetch me my whip, whipping boy!!  
  
Before he has a chance to respond, Moebius runs into the room. He whispers something into Malek's ear then leaves the same way he entered.  
  
Melchiah: What was all that about?  
  
Malek: No time to explain! Gather your brethren and meet me in the briefing in 10 minutes.  
  
10 minutes later...  
  
Turel: Why are we here?  
  
Zephon: Do you mean in the larger cosmic sense or just why we were called here.  
  
Turel: The latter.  
  
Malek: Lord Moebius has brought a very serious matter to my attention. It seems that, while Lord Moebius was channeling foreign items for his museum, he accidentally Time-streamed a large mass of unknown goop. It is our job to purge the room of the goop.  
  
Brethren: (Staring in stunned silence.)  
  
Raziel: So... we're just cleaning? No special mission, no saving all of Nosgoth, no pointless killing?  
  
Malek: That's right. Follow me.  
  
They follow him into the Time-Streaming chamber that was used in SR2.  
  
Moebius: Ah. I'm glad came. This way.  
  
He points his staff to a strange crystal hanging from the doorway. A bolt of light shoots from the staff to the crystal. The door beings to open.  
  
Rahab: Holy sh!!  
  
Dumah: Weee! Look at all the goop! Melchiah: My God...  
  
Moebius: I'll leave you to your work. Just remember... don't touch anything. The controls are very sensitive and you wouldn't want to be sent through time now would you. You'll be supervising them, right Malek.  
  
Malek: Of course.  
  
He leaves. Closing the door behind him.  
  
Raziel: Ha ha. I can't believe he just told Dumah not to touch anything. That's like telling a four-year old not to shove peas up his nose.  
  
At that moment, all the brethren realize the danger they're in.  
  
Turel: Oh f.  
  
Malek: What are you talking about?  
  
But it's too late. Dumah already has his hands on the switch in the middle of the room he begins to turn it.  
  
Rahab: Dumah! Nooooooooo!  
  
The room begins to warp. When it's over (Just like in SR2.) they all stand in the receiving room of the Time-Streaming chamber.  
  
Malek: Crap! Crap crap crap!  
  
Raziel: What's wrong?  
  
Malek: We can't get back without Moebius's staff, that's what! He may not even exist in when ever the hell we are!!  
  
Turel: Well I think that our best option is to curl into a fetal position and weep quietly.  
  
Rahab: Or... we could go out and see when we are and establish a plan from there.  
  
Turel: That too. Whatever works.  
  
Zephon: I have an idea.  
  
Melchiah: What's that?  
  
Zephon: We beat the living hell out of Dumah for doing this to us!!  
  
Raziel: I second the motion!  
  
Malek: All in favor?  
  
Everyone but Dumah: AYE!  
  
Malek: All against?  
  
Dumah: Nay?  
  
Rahab: It's agreed then. GET HIM!!  
  
I don't think I need to explain the brutal ass-kicking Dumah received (Besides, the PG rating won't allow it). Suffice to say that he won't be peeing straight for a few weeks.  
  
Ha ha ha! Oh man. Sometimes I laugh while I write them. this was no exception. I haven't yet decided what time period they've been sent to. Any ideas of suggestions would be cool. I hope you all enjoyed it. I know it was a little short but really, I couldn't think of anything more to write. The next chapter should be up in one to two weeks. Remember to review! 


	6. Through the Looking Glass

I've finally decided what era they should go to!! It took a lot of thought (a several bags of Cheetos) but I did it. I won't spoil the surprise for you so I'll just move on to the review response.  
  
Tom T Thomson: Why a week or two? (Good chapter BTW)  
  
Response: The reason I said that was because I hate deadlines! (Also, I tend to put it off for as long as possible. Heh heh heh.)  
  
Dark-Sepiroth: Ah, this has added a little more interest.  
  
Can't wait to see where you send em!  
  
The chapter was a little short, but as funny as ever!  
  
Response: Yeah... Upon further reflection I realized that the last chapter was more of a Segue-way than anything else. This chapter should be just as pleasingly amusing as the last.  
  
BearVsChris: Bear: groovy  
  
Chris: i cant belive we didnt review this earlier we are so sorry bear show thw author how sorry  
  
Bear: (on one knee crying) please were so soryy we hadnt reviewed yet forgive us.  
  
Chris: but this is funny stuff keep it up and remeber "FEAR THE TUBE"  
  
Response: Now now. There's no need to grovel. A simple "Lord Caboose" will do. Hope you keep reviewing in the future.  
  
Varewulf: That's right! Fear me, for I am the giant radish! Ehm... maybe not. But you don't fear Kain? I would...  
  
And I have no clue when they might be... demon era from SR2 perhaps? And even if Dumah is a bloody idiot, I still feel a little sorry for him...  
  
Now I want more. This fun! Yay!  
  
Response: No, I do not "fear" Kain. Even though he is a mighty creature, I am the omnipotent author of this fic and shall do with him as I please.  
  
On a lighter note... There is a reason I made Dumah stupid. It's because HE IS!! ALL HE DOES IS THE GAME IS DRUNKENLY FOLLOW YOU WHEREVER YOU GO!! AND IF YOU LOSE HIM YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO HIS THRONE ROOM AND HE'LL SAY "YOU ARE PERSISTENT" AND I'LL SAY "NO, YOU ARE FNG STUPID YOU $%#$$%$$# PIECE OF $#!T!!!  
  
Ugh. I apologize. I just had to get that off my chest. On with the fic!  
  
Malek and the Brethren had still not left the Time-Streaming device. Although Dumah's wounds were instantly healed. (See? Omnipotent!!)  
  
Malek: Okay. I think that we should all just go out at once and see what awaits us.  
  
Raziel: Agreed.  
  
Turel: Not agreed! What if there's some indescribable evil waiting for us.  
  
Malek: Then you'll all be my meat shields. Now move.  
  
They walk through the doorway and into the room. Rahab checks out the cauldron in the center.  
  
Rahab: Hey guys! Check this out!  
  
There's a note in the middle of it. Rahab begins to read it aloud.  
  
Rahab: "To whom it may concern,  
  
Following the resurrection of the Sarafan Army,  
We have been relocated to the Sarafan Keep and  
are now under leadership of the Sarafan Lord.  
  
-Management  
Meridian, Nosgoth. In the year 257 A.K. (After Kain.)  
  
Dumah: Are we destined to die a lonely death?  
  
Zephon: I hope not. Sounds like we have to find this "Sarafan Lord" guy. But what does A.K. mean?  
  
Melchiah: Who cares? Lets just find him, find Moebius, and get the hell out of here.  
  
Malek: Well, Moebius is immortal, so it shouldn't be that hard. But I have a Plan B just in case.  
  
They exit the Stronghold and make their may to Meridian. They are stopped at the gate to the Keep by a guard.  
  
Guard: Halt! What's the password?  
  
Melchiah: F you!!  
  
Guard: Very good. Enter.  
  
Malek: Good. Now we just need to find out where the Sarafan Lord is.  
  
Turel: he's in his office in the furthest most room of the Keep.  
  
Raziel: Huh? How did you know that?  
  
Turel: It said so on the map with the "You Are Here" arrow.  
  
Malek: Onwards!!  
  
They reach the waiting room where they make an appointment with the secretary. Until then, they're amusing themselves with the magazines in the waiting room.  
  
Malek: (Reading "Massacring Vampires Monthly".) Hmm. They certainly have improved the technique since I designed it...  
  
Zephon: (Reading "Chicks In Chain mail") Oh yeah. Look at the curves on that weapon. Mmm mmm.  
  
Dumah: (Reading "Highlights") Bees like honey.  
  
Secretary: Mr. Malek? The Lord will see you now.  
  
Malek: What? Oh. Right. Come minions.  
  
Brethren/Minions: Yes sir.  
  
They walk into the office. The Sarafan Lord is sitting behind a desk filling out forms.  
  
Sarafan Lord: (Looking up from his papers.) Hm. Ah, come right in. Now who are you and what do you want.  
  
Malek: (Whispering to Brethren.) Let me do the talking. (To the Sarafan Lord.) Hello my friend. I am Malek! That's right, Malek! The Protector of The Circle of Nine. The Guardian of the Pillar of Conflict. Wielder of the-  
  
Sarafan Lord: Shut up!! What do you want?  
  
Malek explains their situation.  
  
Sarafan Lord: I see. Hold on. Let me pull up a dossier on you.  
  
He logs on to his computer.  
  
Melchiah: What's that thing?  
  
Sarafan Lord: This? It's a computer. Haven't you ever...? No, of course not! You don't know about Glyph Energy, do you?  
  
Raziel: No...?  
  
Sarafan Lord: It's how we power everything in this city! From streetlights to PS2s.  
  
Dumah: That's crazy! You're crazy!  
  
Sarafan Lord: No I am not. Ah! Here it is! (Reads the profile.) Malek... Most mentionable deed... Allowed the Circle to fall while he was "pimpin' wit his homies". (Gives Malek a questioning stare.)  
  
Malek: (Glances from side to side.) Er... Um... I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
Sarafan Lord: Riiiight. Well, anyways. I couldn't help you even if I was inclined to. Moebius died over 250 years ago. All of his Time-streaming devices are indefinitely locked.  
  
Rahab: There must be something you can do?  
  
Sarafan Lord: Nope. Bye bye.  
  
Zephon: You prick!!  
  
Zephon charges at the Sarafan Lord. He dodges the assault with relative ease.  
  
Sarafan Lord: So be it! From this moment on, I declare you enemies to our cause! Begone from here!  
  
He teleports them to the Lower City of Meridian.  
  
Zephon: Crap!!  
  
Melchiah: So what was that "Plan B" you were talking about?  
  
Malek: Alright. Supposedly there's an ancient relic that can bend time and space to create doorways to any location within Nosgoth. It's called the Nexus Stone. I'm betting that with some creative tampering it will be able to create doorways to any time in Nosgoth.  
  
Raziel: Sounds like a solid plan. How do we find the stone?  
  
Malek: I dunno. I guess we just ask around.  
  
Rahab: And how can we "tamper" with it to get it to do what we want?  
  
Malek: Details, details! We'll cross that bridge when come to it. No w let's get a move on. First order of business is to find some breakfast.  
  
Dumah: (Pointing to a tavern down the street.) Let's eat there! It looks festive!  
  
Turel: "The Red Raven Pub" huh? Okay. Any place is as good as any other.  
  
They enter the pub and take a seat. A waitress walks up to them.  
  
Waitress: What can I get ya?  
  
Raziel: Cream filled donuts.  
  
Turel: French toast.  
  
Dumah: Cap'n Crunch.  
  
Rahab: Blueberry pancakes.  
  
Zephon: Omelet with some of those little sausages.  
  
Melchiah: Waffles with a side of eggs over easy.  
  
Malek: The heads of all my enemies served on a silver platter!!  
  
Everyone in the room stares at him.  
  
Malek: I mean... you're breakfast special.  
  
Waitress: Comin' right up.  
  
Raziel: Right. I'm gonna go ask some people what they know about the Nexus Stone.  
  
Turel: Sure.  
  
He returns about the same time their food is brought to them.  
  
Rahab: Well? Learn anything?  
  
Raziel: Not really. Just that if we want more info we need to head down to the Slums.  
  
Malek: We'll go tomorrow. Right now we need to find a place to sleep.  
  
Melchiah: why don't we go stock up on supplies and stay at the Stronghold. It being abandoned and all.  
  
Malek: Excellent idea. Half of you come with me for the supplies. The other half prepare a place for us to sleep in the Stronghold.  
  
Zephon: Righto  
  
So they prepare the Stronghold to house seven grown men. After they're all done, they celebrate with a game of cards.  
  
Dumah: Go fish.  
  
Rahab: Uh... Dumah? We're playing Hearts.  
  
There you have! I sent them to the BO2 era about 150 years before Kain awoke. I decided that that was the place where they could do the most harm without interfering with the LoK timeline (It is still a Parody). Review and tell me what you thought! I eagerly await your responses. 


	7. Faustus and Marcus

Man, I'm updating faster than I thought I would... Oh well. Here's the next chapter. It should be a little better than the last two were. Now for the review response.  
  
_Varewulf: I saw lots of Pikmin 2 movies today. With the new Sumo Pikmin and the Kamikaze Pikmin, the whole galaxy will grovel at my feet.  
  
Now that that's out of the way (it's becoming a habit, isn't it?), I want to tell you I like your decision. But basing on the events of BO2 (and you not wanting to mess with the storyline) they either don't get the stone, or (more likely) find it, play with it, get sent into the demon dimension and the SL reclaims it and puts it in a secure warehouse to prevent people from stealing it again.  
  
I think I was grinning the entire time while I read this. Good fun! Keep up the good work!  
  
P.S. I'll be back.  
_  
Response: I'm going to have the Pikmin reenter the story pretty soon. Not quite sure how I'll end it yet. Thanks for the ideas! Glad you liked it; hope this chapter will be just as fun.  
  
_Smoke: Hm, yeah, I agree with not interfering with the game by putting them in a time that wasn't mentioned. I am a bit dissapointed that they're not on the side of the new Seraphan. That comment about Malek reading the magazine was brilliant, though.  
  
(cough) eternal prison (cough) I don't know why I'm saying that, I doubt that it fits in your plans.  
_  
Response: Oh it does, believe me it does. I plan to include most everything from BO2. I guess the reason I didn't have them join the new Sarafan was that if they did that, then there would be hardly any conflict in the story. And we can't have that, now can we?  
  
The story begins with the Sarafan Lord standing behind a podium giving a speech to his followers.  
  
Sarafan Lord: As the history hitherto of class struggles against the modern booshwa society,  
  
Sarafan warriors: Yaay!!  
  
Sarafan Lord: Class antagonism!  
  
Sarafan warriors: Yaay!!  
  
Sarafan Lord: Serfdom!  
  
Sarafan warriors: Yaay!!  
  
Sarafan Lord: Feudal something of oppression!  
  
Sarafan warriors: Yaay!!  
  
Sarafan Lord: And victory... for the proletariats!  
  
Sarafan warriors: ???  
  
Sarafan Lord: That's you!!  
  
Sarafan warriors: Yaay!!  
  
Sarafan Lord: Power to the oligarchy! Good night!  
  
Meanwhile, at the Stronghold...  
  
Malek: Okay, here's what we're gonna do. We'll make our way to the Slums as quietly as we can, find out everything about the Nexus Stone, then return here. Everyone got that?  
  
Raziel: Right.  
  
Turel: Sure.  
  
Zephon: Okay.  
  
Dumah: Hoo-ha!  
  
Rahab: Alright, that needs to stop.  
  
Dumah: What? The "hoo-ha"?  
  
Rahab: Yes, the "hoo-ha"!!  
  
Dumah: Why?  
  
Rahab: Why?!? It sounds like something someone would say on a bad sports talk show!  
  
Dumah: Hoo-ha!!  
  
Rahab: Gah!!  
  
Malek: That's enough pointless banter for now. We've got a long journey ahead of us.  
  
They head towards the Slums but get lost along the way. In the end, they decide to ask for directions form a nearby house. This is the same house that Kain is sleeping in. Malek sends them in to investigate. They open the door and walk inside.  
  
Melchiah: Hello? Is anyone home?  
  
Raziel: Looks like they've all left.  
  
Turel: Hey! Come look at this! There's a vampire sleeping here!!  
  
Rahab: Try to wake him up.  
  
Dumah: Righto.  
  
Dumah attempts to inflict all sorts of bodily damage on Kain. All they get out of him is a few mumbles.  
  
Kain: Mmm... No... Not the Nexus Stone... Curse you Magnus... Curse you Sarafan Lord... No. No, I don't... AAH!!  
  
He sits up straight with his eyes open. Then lays back down and drifts into sleep.  
  
Zephon: Hm. Well that was interesting. What should we do now?  
  
Turel: Lets cut off his manhood.  
  
At the Cabal headquarters...  
  
Vorador: Gasp Ancient Vampire sense tingling! There's trouble afoot! Come Umah! To the Vora-mobile!!  
  
Umah: We don't have a "Vora-mobile".  
  
Vorador: Dammit! I'll just have to teleport, I guess.  
  
He teleports to the security room of the house (Don't ask.) and sees Raziel raise the blade on his arm.  
  
Vorador: Great Scott! They're about to mutilate Kain! Strange. They look somewhat familiar. Doesn't matter! I have to get them out of there. Hmm... I know! I'll scare them off by turning the front light on and off really fast!  
  
The front light begins to turn on and off really fast.  
  
Zephon: Aah! They know we're here!  
  
Melchiah: Run away!!  
  
They all run outside.  
  
Malek: Well? Was anyone home?  
  
Raziel: Nope. Not really.  
  
Malek: Then we move on!  
  
After yet more wandering, a figure jumps from out of nowhere and lands in front of them?  
  
Faustus: Can I help you? You appear to be lost.  
  
Dumah: Yeah. We're looking for the Nexus Stone and we-  
  
Malek: Shut up! (To Faustus.) What is it you want?  
  
Faustus: only to collect the bounty placed on your loathsome corpses by the Sarafan Lord.  
  
Melchiah: (Under his breath.) It's nice to be wanted.  
  
Faustus: Do not attempt to escape me. I am superior far beyond what you could ever possibly comprehend with 100% of your brain.  
  
Malek: Oh, is that so? And what makes you so superior?  
  
Faustus: Well, for one thing, my legs have three times the strength of yours. I don't know if you can understand that, but my vertical leap is beyond all measurement.  
  
Raziel: So what you're saying is...is that you're superior to us because you can jump higher?  
  
Faustus: Yes. Observe.  
  
Turel: This guys almost a total psychopath. All he needs is an unhealthy obsession with Pikmin to be complete.  
  
He demonstrates his "Jump" ability. Malek calmly walks over to where he was and plants his pike into the ground. When Faustus descends, the pike pierces his torso and he is suspended in midair.  
  
Faustus: Aaaaakkk.  
  
Turel: Is he dead?  
  
Malek: Unfortunately, no. all someone has to do to revive him is remove the pike.  
  
Rahab: Couldn't we just finish him now?  
  
Malek: Nah, he's not worth the effort it would take. But at least he won't bother us for a while.  
  
Dumah: Hoo-ha!  
  
Zephon: I agree with Rahab. That is frickin' annoying!!  
  
Malek is searching Faustus's clothes for some hint of where they should go next.  
  
Malek: Okay... let's see... Aha! A "To do" list. Hmm... The only thing on it is "Interrogate Bishop about Cabal activities."  
  
Melchiah: The hell?  
  
Malek: It's all we've got to go on. We'd best start making our way towards the Cathedral. I think I saw it earlier.  
  
Raziel: This is bullcrap. We just keep going from one dead end to the next. We haven't made any progress!  
  
Malek: Shut up and do what I say.  
  
Raziel: Yes sir.  
  
Once again, they begin their tiresome trek. They navigate through the twists and turns dispatching all the thugs and thieves after the bounty on their heads.  
  
Melchiah: God I hate this. God I hate this. God I hate this.  
  
Turel: I'm bored. Are we there yet.  
  
Malek: (Very irritated.) Not yet.  
  
Raziel: If only we had something to kill.  
  
Suddenly, Marcus appears.  
  
Marcus. Bahahahahaha! You shall go no further. Mmmyes.  
  
Dumah: Hoo-ha!  
  
Zephon: It's about time.  
  
Marcus: Whatever do you mean? You're going to die!  
  
Raziel: Sure we are. Because you have some kind of "special ability" that makes you better than us.  
  
Marcus: Mmmyes. That I do. I can become invisible and can Charm people into doing what I want.  
  
Turel: Wait. You "Charm" grown men?  
  
Marcus: Mmmyes.  
  
Rahab: What kind of gay freak are you?!  
  
Marcus: (Stunned.) What? But I... you... I'm not gay!!  
  
Melchiah: Suuurre you're not, fruity.  
  
Zephon: Where are your brightly colored bicycle shorts?  
  
Marcus: Shut up!! Leave me alone!!  
  
He curls into the fetal position and begins to weep quietly on the floor.  
  
Malek: That was pathetic.  
  
He hits him in the back of the head with the broad side of his pike, knocking him unconscious.  
  
Malek: Come on. we have to find the Bishop.  
  
They eventually reach the Bishop. They step forward and explain their situation.  
  
Bishop: Hmm. Very troubling that is. Help you much I cannot.  
  
Raziel: Just tell us what you can.  
  
Bishop: In the Device the Nexus Stone is. Enter it you cannot. Seek the Builder you must. Tell you how to get inside he will. Inside the Eternal Prison he is.  
  
Turel: Okaaaay... I think I understood that.  
  
Malek: Thanks. I wish we could do something in return for you.  
  
Bishop: That you cannot. Leave quickly you must.  
  
Zephon: I know!! here's a coupon for free speech lessons!.  
  
The Bishop glares at him.  
  
Rahab: Let's get outta here.  
  
They exit the building. On the way back to the Stronghold, they begin to discuss the best way to approach the Eternal Prison.  
  
Malek: We're gonna go in, kick some ass, and take some names.  
  
Brethren: Here here!  
  
There you have it! I hope I didn't offend anyone with the way I wrote. Marcus. Next chapter! They enter the Device and find out what the Mass really is. 


	8. The Mass

I know. I haven't updated in a while. If you've been logging on every day just to see my story, then I apologize for disappointing you. I've been very busy. First I got addicted to a game called "Custom Robo". Then I put it (the story) off for a few weeks. Then I went to a journalism camp. Then I played some Mortal Kombat. And here we are. But I think that the reason I put the story off for so long was that I only got ONE REVIEW!!! What's up with that?! Did all my other fans die off when I dropped my guard for a spilt second? But I made this chapter extra long to make up for my absence. Anyways, here's the response _to_ that one review.

_Varewulf_

_Hey! I saw that! You're mean...  
_  
I guess you're talking about the part about "a complete obsession of Pikmin" huh? Sorry. I couldn't resist.

_That speech at the beginning was really fun. Actually made me laugh out loud, and that's rare. I'm glad I was alone in the room.  
_  
If you liked that then you should watch a show called "Sealab 2021." That speech is taken directly from one of their episodes. I also put something in this chapter from that show too.

_This story is definately going in an interesting direction. Eternal Prison and the Device you say? That's... scary. I hope they keep Dumah on a leash.  
_  
I think that when you see the Mass you will be pleasantly amused. Pleasantly amused indeed.

_Will that Seer chick come too? That might be cool.  
_  
Perhaps. It depends on where I go with the story.

_Well, until next time: Keep up the good work!_

That I will.

_PS! All the Pikmin comments are inspired by an article at I'm all ut now though. But if you miss them too much, I'll think of some new ones. :)_

That's okay. I don't want to tell you what to say but any and all comments will be appreciated.

And now, without any further adieu whatsoever. Sarafan In Training!

The scene begins in a room where a sculptor is sculpting a bust of the Sarafan Lord's head. The Sarafan Lord is supervising the process.

Sarafan Lord: No... th-the chin... isn't jutting enough

Sculptor: Yes, commissar

Sarafan Lord: It don't mean butt if it don't got that jut! Know what I'm saying?

Sculptor: Yes, commissar

Sarafan Lord: In fact, put that on a post.

Sculptor: Yes, commissar

Sebastian walks into the room.

Sebastian: Um... Sir? Again I must express my... concerns about the crop harvest.

Sarafan Lord: Nobody touches the crop!!

Sebastian: Sir, please...!

Sarafan Lord: Never say please! It means you're weak and blithering. How's that sound?

Sculptor: Uh...

Sarafan Lord: There is a specter haunting Nosgoth! And that specter is... my five-year plan!!

Sebastian: But the grapes are rotting on the vine!

Sarafan Lord: So? I don't care how hard you work.

Sebastian: Look. Hasn't history proven that Marx's vision of an egalitarian utopia is unattainable? Inevitably creating an oligarchy more oppressive to the proletariat than the booshwacy it vilifies?

Just then, Marcus walks into the room with an AK-47 strapped to his back.

Marcus: Commissar. I have rehabilitated another group of the party's enemies.

Sarafan Lord: Ha ha! Yeah! Uh... what does "rehabilitated" mean again?

Marcus: Beaten the asses out of.

Sarafan Lord: Hahahahahaha! Hey, yeah. I love new speak! Sebastian! What were you saying and... do it in new speak.

Sebastian: N-no, I wasn't...

Sarafan Lord: Something about more oppressive...

Sebastian: Um... the bust! The chin! It doesn't... um... jut!!

Sarafan Lord: I was just saying that!

Sculptor: I'm jutting it now, commissar.

Sarafan Lord: Now, if you'll excuse me, we need to go rehabilitate Faustus. In the face.

Meanwhile, elsewhere...

Dumah: I'm hungry....

Raziel: Shut up! We're almost there.

Dumah: No! Dumah needs food badly!!

Turel: Look, we can't stop now. It'll...

Dumah: FEED ME!!!

Raziel: Fine. Turel. Get Dumah something to eat.

Turel: Rahab. Get Dumah something to eat.

Rahab: Zephon. Get Dumah something to eat.

Zephon: Melchiah Get Dumah something to eat.

Melchiah: (Sigh.) It's lonely at the bottom... Come on, big boy. We'll see if we can find a McHylden's.

Dumah: Yaaay!

During this conversation, Malek just hung back staring in horror at their group dynamics and how each of them conveniently avoided responsibility.

Malek: My God...

At the entrance to the Eternal Prison.

Guard #1: Dude, I'm tellin' ya; Scorpion totally kicks everyone's ass!

Guard #2: Nuh-unh! Sub-Zero's the best there is! With his Ice Blast, he'd shatter Scorpion like a cheap porcelain figure.

Guard #1: Not if Scorpion got him with his Spear attack!

Guard #2: You lie. YOU LIE!!!!!

Guard #3: Um... I like Reptile...

Guard #1: Shut the hell up, rookie. No one cares about Reptile!

Guard #3: Bu...but...

Guard #2: (Gazing into the distance.) Hey, who are those guys?

Guard #1: Dunno. Halt! Who goes there?

Malek: Hello my friend. I am Malek! That's right, Malek! The Protector of The Circle of Nine. The Guardian of the-

Zephon: Shut the hell up! No one cares!!

All the Brethren are staring at Zephon as though he just announced that he enjoys wearing ladies undergarments.

Rahab: (Whispering.) Do you have a death wish? Malek's gonna wipe the floor with you.

Raziel: It was nice knowing you, man.

Malek: We'll talk about this later. (To the Guard.) We're here to visit the Builder. Can you help?

Guard #1: No way, dude.

Guard #2: All the prisoners in here are trying to redeem themselves by reaching a state of Inner Peace.

Turel: Sorry, but we don't buy all your hippie "Inner Peace" crap. Just let us in.

Guard #3: No can do. Orders are orders.

Raziel: (Points behind them.) Look! A Chichi bird!

Guards: (Turns around.) Where?

Raziel hits all three of them in the back of their heads with the hilt of his sword.

Raziel: Heh heh heh.

Meanwhile, at McHylden's...

Cashier: (In a band monotone voice.) Welcome to McHylden's. Home of the McHylden. Can I take your order?

Melchiah: Yes. I'd like one Happy Hylden. A McHylden meal with medium deep-fried potato slices and a large snow-colored Frost beverage.

Cashier: Would you like anything to drink with your Happy Hylden?

Dumah: What do ya got?

Cashier: We have New Vengeance, Diet Vengeance, Classic Vengeance, and Salty Lemonade.

Dumah: Gimme a large Classic Vengeance.

Cashier: Here ya go.

He hands them their order. Melchiah pays him and they exit the restaurant.

Melchiah: There. Are you happy?

Dumah: (Ignoring him.) I love the little hamburgers. I love them good.

Back at the prison.

Raziel: Boy, that was our most extreme, action filled battle yet.

Turel: Indeed. There were many prison guards but we succeeded most triumphantly.

Rahab: And surely, we all learned a valuable lesson about life.

Zephon: Now, so long as there aren't any bosses to fight...

At that moment, Magnus comes bursting through the wall screaming for meat.

Malek: I hate you, Zephon.

Magnus: Raarrrgh!! Magnus smash puny hu-mans!

Malek: Sarafan! Attack!!

They all charge towards Magnus. Raziel, Rahab, and Zephon focus on attack his mid-section with their swords. Malek and Turel attack the head with their pikes. Eventually, the Brethren are able to distract him enough for Malek to get a clear shot at his heart.

Malek: Haaaaaa!

He drives his pike into Magnus' chest. A spurt of blood squirts out. Magnus falls to the ground and does not get up.

Malek: Excellent job. Now let's see if we cam find this Builder...

???: You need not look no further.

Rahab: "Need not look no..." Hey! That's a double negative! That ain't no good English.

Malek: Who's there?  
  
???: What ho' and well met travelers.

Zephon: (Excitably.) What ho' where?

Builder: I am the Builder. I understand you've been looking for me.

Malek: We have. We need to enter the Device in order to obtain the Nexus Stone. Can you help us?

Builder: Ah, yes. I may be able to help you. What's in it for me?

Just then, Dumah and Melchiah return from McHylden's. They already ate the food on the way over here and Dumah is playing wit his Free Toy.

Dumah: Look guys! I got a new laser pointer!

The Builder swipes it from him and begins examining it.

Builder: Hmm... Yes, I think this will do nicely.

Dumah: Hey...That's mine...

Malek: (Whispering) Be quiet. We'll get you another one. (To the Builder.) So, do we have a deal?

Builder: We do. Now listen carefully. Every door in the Device has a nine-digit keypad. The code to each one is different but I installed a master code that would open all the doors that only I would know.

Malek: What is it?  
  
Builder: It's the tune to "Funkytown".

Melchiah: Funkytown?

Builder: Yes. I presume you know it.

Turel: Yeah, but why "Funkytown"?

Builder: Hey, I like Funkytown. You got a problem with that.

Turel: Nope.

Builder: Good. Now, you guys better get out of here. The guards change shifts in half an hour. You don't want to be here when they show up and find out you slaughtered all their colleagues.

Malek: Point taken. Come on guys, let's head out.

And so, the Sarafan warriors began to walk calmly towards-

Raziel: Whoa!! Hold up! Since when do we do anything calmly? We're in Nosgoth! What happened to all the vampires and demons that would jump out at us every five minutes?!

Caboose2814: Look, if I had vampires and demons attack you then I would have to create a fight scene to go with it. And I'm really not in the mood for that right now.

Turel: Well, you can't be that good at writing LoK stories if you're never in the mood for fight scenes.

Caboose2814: Hey, I wrote the fight scence between you guys and Magnus. Besides, this is _my_ story. And in _my _story, you'll all do what you're told.

Dumah: Oh yeah? Or else what you stupid-

Suddenly, Dumah's head exploded because of an inoperable brain tumor.

Rahab: Dude!!

Caboose2814: Who else wants a piece of me?

Malek: Alright. I've had about enough of this. You can't just go screwing around with our lives like you're-

Malek turned around to face group. "Gentlemen", he began. "I have an announcement to make. I'm secretly gay. And Raziel? I-"

Malek: Okay!! I'm sorry! I'll shut up.

Zephon: But... Why are you doing this?

Caboose2814: As I've said before. I am the author. And I can do whatever I please with your pathetic lives. If I wanted Raziel to be the son of Heero Yui and the girl-type Ranma, then it would be so. Now you will move along with your quest and do exactly what you're written to do. Is that understood?

Raziel: I guess...

Caboose: Good. Now begone.

Melchiah: Um...

Caboose2814: WHAT?!

Melchiah: Do you think you could possibly but things back the way they were?

Caboose2814: Oh. Right.

At that moment, Dumah's head was miraculously restored to him thanks to powers that cannot be explained without Jesus or magic. And Malek became straight again.

Raziel: Okay. That was really weird.

Turel: I'll say. It's probably best to forget that it ever happened. Let's just move on.

Dumah: My head feels funny.

They continued on their journey. Eventually, they reached the Device.

Malek: We've reached the Device.

Rahab: We know. Weren't you listening to the narration?

Malek: Um...

Raziel: Whatever. Let's just find this Nexus Stone-thingie and get the hell outta here!

So, cautiously, they entered the Device. Being Sarafan, no one questioned their purpose there. After wandering around for the better part of an hour, they manage to run across the Beast.

Beast: Raaaaarrrgh!!! Who dares disturb my slumber?

Zephon: No one. We were just on our way out.

He turns around to leave but Malek catches him and brings him back.

Malek: We were wondering if you could tell us where the Nexus Stone is?

Beast: Even if I could I would not tell you. You are all servants of him who imprisoned me!!  
  
Raziel: No we're not.

Beast: Yes you are!

Raziel: No we're not!

Beast: Yes you are!!

Raziel: No we're not.!!

Beast: Hmm... Perhaps you are right. You seem somehow... different from the rest. Besides that, my ass hurts whenever I look at you.

Malek: Just answer the question.

Beast: Very well. The Nexus Stone is being held in the same room as the Mass. As such, this room is the most heavily guarded severe steps must be-

Turns to look at Dumah who has been poking him with a stick he found on the road.

Beast: THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?

Dumah: Ewwwww! He's all squishy!!

Beast: RAAAAAARGH!!!

Raziel: And that's our cue to exit! Come on guys!

The Brethren grab Dumah and exit the Beast's cell.

Malek: Whew! That was easier than expected. No we just need to figure out how to reach the room that contains the Mass...

Melchiah: Three floors up, second door to the left.

Malek: Wha...?

Melchiah: You really need to pay more attention to the informative maps they post on the wall.

Malek: Duly noted. Now let's transform and roll out!!

Brethren: ???

Rahab: (Whispering to Zephon.) See, this is what happens when he doesn't take his medicine.

They make their way up several flights of stairs and eventually reach the room that supposedly contains the Mass.

Turel: Well that wasn't too hard!

Sebastian teleports in front of them.

Turel: Aw, crap.

The Sarafan go into battle modes but Sebastian holds up his hand.

Sebastian: Hold your ground! I did not come here to fight you.

Raziel: Then what do you want?!

Sebastian: To _talk._ At this moment, the Sarafan Lord is leading us against an enemy that may or may not exist. At the same time, he preaches his pro-communist and oligarchy propaganda.

Zephon: Uh-huh. And you're telling us this why?

Sebastian: See, I think this "Great Struggle" is all made up. And that the only thing we're struggling against is _him._

Dumah: So... So you're saying the Sarafan Lord is bad?

Sebastian: Well, this idea is bad. The crop harvest is all rotted and-

Dumah: S-so you're saying _communism _is bad?

Sebastian: What're you, two years old?

Rahab: What do you want from us?  
  
Sebastian: To form an alliance. If you take the Lord out I'll help you get what you want.

Malek: Fine. Now leave us. We have work to do.

Sebastian teleports out.

Rzaiel: That was interesting.

Malek: Whatever. Let's just hurry up and get the Nexus Stone.

Melchiah: Hold up! There's a sign outside the door.

To whom it may concern;

As of now, the Mass is currently in it's

devolved state. Please come back in about

150 years to see it in its full glory.

Turel: Okaaaay. Why did you show us that?

Melchiah: Dunno. Just thought it was interesting.

Tired of waiting, Malek backs up and charges the door.

Malek: Siek-yaaaaaaaa!

He busts the door open and all the Brethren are able to see the Mass for what it really is.

Rahab: My God...

Melchiah: The Mass... It's just... made out of thousands upon thousands of PIKMIN!!!

And there you have it! I don't know how soon I'll update, but the more reviews I get the sooner it'll happen. And, if possible, tell me what you you thought of the part where I included myself in the story. R&R please!!


	9. All good things must come to an end

I'm sorry!!! I know I haven't updated for long time. I'll make it up to you by making this the FINAL chapter. I don't know if that's what you want but that's what you're getting! After this I'm going to work on the heartwarming tale of what Eric Cartman does when he receives a Green Lantern power ring. It will be a humor and rated R (naturally).

This fic is dedicated to all my Fanfic idols. Mikoto Zoku, Lady Dementia, Silvor Moon, Kuwarbara's pupil, Ratface, and many others!!

I hope you've enjoyed my take on Raziel and his Brethren as "Sarafan in Training." Here's the story but first... Review Response!!!

_Mystery Reviewer: Pleasen update soon. I've had a very trying week and this fic is one of the few things that have cheered me up._

_Long live the moogles._

Response: Sorry! I tried to get this up sooner but I've been having computer problems. Hope this chapter is just as fun for you!

_Varewulf: This was a lot. I don't know if I'll remember to comment all, but I don't think I ever do that anyway._

_1. Communism. Nice thought. Doesn't work. Conclusion: People aren't nice?_

_2. Haven't played MK in a long time... I think I preferred Scorpion, but I can't remember. Liked Killer Instinct better, anyway._

_3. And you don't like fight scenes? Hm... can't say I've noticed earlier, but I never really notice things, so that's not exactly new._

_4. I have no clue what Funkytown is, so that went over my head._

_5. And putting yourself in the story is perfectly acceptable in this sort of fic. You even made it fun. :) But I thought Malek already was gay... Maybe not. :P_

_6. And Sebastian, a traitor? No! Never would have guessed!_

_7. And the Pikmin Mass sounds frighteningly a lot like one of the ideas of Pikmin use I already read in a whacked out article. "And with it, I shall crack this world in two like an egg."_

_8. General notes: Well written as always. Felt more serious this time round. Was that what you were aiming for? Cool chapter, anyway. :)_

_PS! If anything needs to whacked with a broomstick, just say the word._

Response: 1. Yeah... The communism was just a little thing I was working on. I hope no one took me seriously.

2. Killer Instinct, you say? Hmm... I wonder what would happen if KI fought MK.... Scorpion vs. Spinal! Riptor vs. Reptile! Sub-zero vs. Glacius! Jago vs. Kenshi! Sonya vs. Orchid! Cinder vs. Liu Kang! Cyrax vs. Fulgore! Combo vs. Jax! Nitara vs. Sabrewulf! Yesss... That would be exxxcellenct. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha-

Kain: Hey! Snap out of it!! You've got more reviews to answer!

Caboose2814: Huh? Oh. Right.

3. I feel I don't write fight scenes well. I can't mix action with dialogue. Oh well.

4. I really don't know either. All I know is it's a tune you can play on a keypad. Towlie did it on South Park.

5. Malek? Gay? Hmm... I never thought about it before...

6. Yeah... I guess it was a little predictable...

7. Before you accuse me of plagiarism yet me assure you that I have no idea what you're talking about. Darn it. I thought I had an original idea.

8. I wasn't really aiming for seriousness but I am kinda trying to wrap the whole thing up.

Yes there is someone you can whack. I need you to kill a guy by the name of "David Gonterman". Don't ask who he is 'cuz you _really_ don't want to know. Suffice to say he writes and draws _HORRIBLE_ web comics. He deserves a swift and terrible death.

_Trelela: Hehe, good one. :D_

_Communism is BAD! but it has a few advantages ;)_

_What's a Pikmin?_

Response: Ask Varewulf. He knows more about them than I do. I just make fun of them.

_Smoke: I'm speechless. (Oh, well, happymeal.)_

Response: Are you speechless because my story was so good or because you were horrified by it? Oh well. At least I got some emotion from you.

_Shuldig Schwartz: The part where you entered yourself was possibly the funniest in the whole chapter. I especially loved the part: At that moment, Dumah's head was miraculously restored to him thanks to powers that cannot be explained without Jesus or magic. And Malek became straight again._

_Lol! Goodie, update soon._

Response: Glad you enjoyed it. Sorry about the late update.

_ChrisvsBear: bollocks i forgot to review again sorry still love this thing though. thought it was good to see you use ur mighty author powers. _

_Evil Badger Kain: Fear THE TUBE and the BADGER who weilds it._

Evil tube wielding badgers? Oh my God! It's just like my nightmare! Head for the hills!! AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Kain: Uh? Caboose? Bloody hell. Ah... Thanks for all your reviews and... enjoy the story? Good fight! Good night!

At the Sarafan Keep...

The Sarafan Lord is sitting in his throne thinking deep, deep thoughts. Just then, Faustus walks through the room.

Faustus: Can't believe how long it took them to get that pike out of me... grumble grumble...

Sarafan Lord: Faustus, did you move my chair?

Faustus; Wha...?

Sarafan Lord: My chair, Faustus. Someone has disturbed it. Was it you?

Faustus: I don't know what you're talking about.

Sarafan Lord: I'm not sure if I trust you. You cheat at cards all the time!

Faustus: No I don't.

Sarafan Lord: Yes you do cheat!

Faustus: THE HELL I DO!!

Sarafan Lord: Cheating vampire...

Elsewhere in the Keep...

Sebastian: Yesss... Phase one is complete...

Meanwhile, at the Device...

The Sarafan stared up at the Mass of Pikmin. They were horrified by the-

Malek: What the hell are you talking about?! We are not horrified by freakin' PIKMIN!!!

Caboose: Silence your noise-tube. Do as your told or you will be smote.

Malek: Yeah, yeah...

Pikmin Mass: WHO DARES TO DISTURB ME IN MY SANCTUM? YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE OF FACE THE WRATH OF MY NEW WHITE AND PURPLE COLORS!!

Dumah: I'm scared. Hold me.

Raziel: Stop being such a baby. It can't do anything to us.

Pikmin Mass: OH YEAH? THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK! EAT THIS!!

The Pikmin Mass fires a steam of Pikmin at the Sarafan. Almost everyone was able to move out of the way. But Melchiah took the brunt of the attack.

Melchiah: (Falls down and begins writhing in agony.) Aaahhh! It burns! It burns!! It—

He stands up.

Melchiah: Hey... It doesn't burn. It tickles!

Rahab: You're kidding me.

Zephon: Go figure.

Dumah: They're so cute!

Pikmin Mass: YOU DARE MOCK MY POWER?!?

Turel: Of course we do!! You're made of tiny, multi-colored freaks. How can we not make fun of you?!

Malek: This has gotten ridiculous. Let's just get the Nexus Stone and get out of this God forsaken hellhole.

Raziel: I'll second that!

Pikmin Mass; HA HA HA!! YOU FOOLS! YOU SHALL NEVER OBTAIN THE NEXUS STONE! FOR IT IS NESTLED IN THE VERY CORE OF MY BEING!

Rahab: Crap.

Malek: Looks like we'll have to send someone in to get it. But who to chose...?

Raziel: I say we send the most expendable.

Turel: Yeah. Let' do that. Zephon, go get the Nexus Stone.

Zephon: What?!? Why me?!

Malek: Because you're the only person on our team with no real purpose except being the token pervert.

Zephon: That's bullplop! Bullplop!!

Raziel: Dumah. Secure Zephon.

Dumah: Yes my lord!

Dumah grabs Zephon and curls him into the fetal position.

Zephon: Hey! Let me go!!

Malek: Fire at will!!

Dumah: Wha...? There's no one here named Will.

Melchiah; Just throw him you dumb piece of-

Dumah winds up then pitches him into the heart of the Mass!

Zephon: (As he's flying towards the Mass.) I'm gonna kill you guys!!!!

SPLUSH!!

Zephon: (Thinking.) #$&!! I'll kill every last one of them!! (Looks aound.) Holy crap it's weird in here. But all the little plant people massaging every part of my body feels good... Mmmm.... Pikmin...

It's then that he sees the Nexus Stone floating several feet in front of him.

Zephon: Hey! That must be it! If I can just get it, I can harness its power to become Lord and Master of the Earth!!!

He reaches out and just barely touches it. Then there's a flash of light and suddenly Zephon is standing back outside with his Brethren. Standing in front of them is the Sarafan Lord

Zephon: The hell...?

Sarafan Lord: You fools! You set off the security system around the Nexus Stone, which summons me here as soon as it's tripped. Now my chair is unguarded from Faustus's treachery! Why?!

Malek: Uh... We need the Nexus Stone to return home?

Sarafan Lord: Idiots. The Nexus Stone can't send people through time!

Raziel: But we thought...

Sarafan Lord; You thought wrong!! Now I'm going to smite you like you've never been smote before!

Turel: We've never been smote before.

Sarafan Lord: Then my claim is tautology! I am philosophically invincible!!

Rahab: No you're not. If you don't smote us, then your statement will be false.

Sarafan Lord: Huh?

Rahab: Yeah. The definition of tautology is a proposition or statement that, in itself, is logically true.

Sarafan Lord: ...You will be the first one smote.

Rahab: Aw, nerts.

Malek: Not if we can help it! Sarafan! Attack!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Will they defeat the Sarafan Lord? Will they make it back to their own time? Has Dumah stopped saying "Hoo-ha"? Find out on the next chapter on "Saraf- Acccck!!

Kain:(Has Caboose in a headlock.) Oh hell no!! You're gonna finish this fic whether you like it of not!

Caboose: Gaak. Fine. Just let go. You're choking me!!

Kain: That was the general idea.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Sarafan rush the Sarafan Lord. Dumah goes for a full frontal assault and distracts him while Zephon strikes his back, Melchiah attacks his legs, Raziel inflicts damage to his mid-section, and Malek and Rahab focus on his arms. Turel just watches.

Turel: Yeah!! Go for it guys! Sock it to him!

Sarafan Lord: You guys are really annoying! Hey! Stop that! Don't put that there! Alright!! I've had enough!

The Sarafan Lord unsheathes the Soul Reaver and swings it in a wide arc. Thus, throwing all the Sarafan from his body.

Sarafan Lord: That's it! You guys want to go back home so much? Then that's where you're going! TIME-TRAVEL NO JUTSU!!

The room begins to warp (which, really, it should've been doing anyway because of the two Raziel souls in the room). Suddenly, there's a flash of light and several arcs of lightning. Then they're standing, once again, in the Time-Streamers retrieval unit.

Melchiah: Are we... home?

Malek: Only one way to find out.

Malek walks to the door, which slides open as he approaches. Outside we can see Moebius leaning over his cauldron.

Malek: Lord Moebius?

Moebius: Where the Hylden have you seven been?!

Rahab; Well... we went to go clean your Time-Streamer but then Dumah-

Moebius: Silence your noise-tube!

Melchiah: You've been talking to Caboose for too long, haven't you?

Moebius: Maybe... But that's not the point! Now's our chance to strike back at the fiend Janos Audron!! At this moment, one of his followers, a blue demon, is clearing a way to his keep. If you go now you might be able to make it!

Raziel: Yes... And I shall rip out the creature's black heart for forcing me to see his ass... Sarafan! Let's move out!

Moebius: Malek, you stay here and guard the Stronghold. Rahab, finish cleaning my Time-Streamer.

Rahab: (Crestfallen.) Yes Lord Moebius.

The Sarafan, without Malek or Rahab, start to head out for Ushenstein. (I know that's not how it's spelled but **_I don't care!!_**) And... to their enevitable deaths.

Rahab: So... Isn't this the part where you put in the grand finale?

Caboose: Huh? I thought I already did that.

Rahab: Come on... just something a little extra for your fans.

Caboose: Fine. Let me think. Um... You're all really annoying and... you should be shot.

Malek: Oh bravo.

Caboose: Shut it! Fade out!!

The scene fades out.

THE END!!

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There it is!! The end to "Sarafan In training"! I hope everyone enjoyed it because I had a hell of a good time writing it! Remember, REVIEW, REVIEW, and REVIEW!!!!

Kain: But what if they don't want to review?

Caboose Then I will hunt them down and kill them in their sleep. And blame Black Mage.

Kain: Are you insane?

Caboose: Nooo. I've just read too many 8-bit theaters. Bwahahahahaahaha! And now... I'm dancin' like a monkey!! Doo dooo doo dooo dooo!!


End file.
